How To Massacre The Democrats

I consider the Bible to be, among other great things, an instruction manual on how to massacre the Democrats.

Because when you read it, that's basically what God ends up doing. And when you realize that nobody in the world is following the instructions, then you realize, "Hey. Maybe I'll be the guy that gets something accomplished here."

After all, the throne is attained by righteousness and all that.

Apparently, one of the ways to massacre the Democrats is forgiveness of sin and non-judgment.

Another way to massacre the Democrats is not to oppress the strangers in your land.

Another way to set filthy Democrats on fire so they turn into human torches melting into the asphalt is to love your enemy.

To give them water when they're thirsty and food when they're hungry.

So I took a careful look at what I might be doing wrong. Is it my diet?

Turns out I wasn't eating the right foods to massacre the Democrats.

And I'm also not working hard. That's important. And I'm not being religious enough about taking the Sabbath Day off. If anything hurts your credibility as a disciple of Moses and Jesus, it's eating bacon and working on the Sabbath.

Because I'm not working hard for 6 days a week, my body simply isn't properly sculpted for the massacre of the Democrats.

Now, I don't exactly know how a change to my diet, schedule, loving my enemies and feeding them leads to the massacre of the Democrats.

I just know that it does. You know what that's called? That's right.


I don't know who is going to load up a minigun and cut through a crowd of girls in boy shorts and guys in skinny jeans. I just know if I eat right, follow a schedule and work hard, it's going to happen. God won't let me down.

God is just and righteous.

I mean, look at what I've been doing so far. 50 Muslims have been massacred. There's some predictable blowback to that, of course, and New Zealand has been shut down and turned into New Zealistan, but I must be doing something right to get the false flag attackers all riled up.


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