The Crisco Candle

Legend has it that Crisco was never actually developed as a food product, but was specifically formulated to massively extends the life of your candles.

(Accept no substitutes)

And I'm talking about a $10 can of Crisco all-vegetable shortening lasting about 575 hours. What kind of wick? It's soft, so you can just shove a plain old candlestick right into it.

Or else cardboard works just fine. Really. I'm seeing the apocalypse in a whole new light.

Unfortunately for Crisco, when electric lighting came along, the innovation proved unnecessary. We apparently found another way to save the whales. Thanks, though.

(Lamp oil from blubber was a thing.)

And you might never know the phenomenal value of this product. Unless there's a power outage, of course. Then your neighbors will be lording their long-lasting cheap candle-light over you, shoving it in your face.

(Well, not shoving it. It has a low melting point, so carrying around your Crisco candle is highly inadvisable.

But it's a product that stores forever and has other uses.

To see if I could save a few bucks, I also tried a VERY generic store brand, shoved various kinds of wicks and even cardboard into it. (Buddy heater style.) Turns out it's still cold in the house. Too slow of a burn rate.  Thank God for wool.

And the candle wicks didn't last as well.

Even from the first 2 hours of burn, I can already see there's something very different and superior about using Crisco for this application. The wick isn't dying off, turning ashen. The flame isn't dwindling down to a spec.

The flame is relatively small, but steady, peaceful, and a consistent, velvety flame. So far, I don't have to trim the wick, worry about smoke or soot, or worry about the candles burning out.

I'll be running a few more tests. One of which is to use the really crappy wicks I've got. I'll try a couple kinds of birthday candles and see what difference it makes. Because if you can get enough little wicks burning at once, you could probably boil a cup of water in about 15 minutes on this thing.

Even faster, buddy stove style.

But what's the use of articles like these? Don't we have bigger fish to fry, so to speak?

Yes. Indeed we do. But when a magazine, a radio show, or an institution of higher learning is full of useful life hacks and tips about all the cool, useful things white people came up with to solve all kinds of problems in all kinds of ways, it sends a different message to the masses.

That they don't need much more than their own ingenuity. That they needn't fear the collapse of society will necessary do them any harm, nor cause them much inconvenience at all.

Me? I'm delighted with my name-brand Crisco candle. Really. Looking at it gives me a sense of peace and possibility. When you don't have much, make sure you have a few good things instead of lots of cheap junk. Because in the end, quality counts.

After burning the cheap stuff, I found soot all over the house. Absolutely coated in a fine layer of soot clinging to all the cheap plasticware. Are you sensing a pattern?

Quality counts.

Sort of like the quality of all the fine craftsmanship you'll only seem to get from only one race of people and those they train and closely supervise.

When you insist on getting the best, you can very often get it.

Good is good enough, as long as it's good. So beware of imitators.

When it comes to a tiny bit of light and heat, you'll be all set. By the time you need this kind of candle, I hope you've chosen the best kind of vehicle to escape the apocalypse.